Saturday, April 21, 2012

F'ing chemo? You betcha...

I was chatting via text the other day with my SIL (sister-in-law), and she was asking about the next round of chemo that I start on Monday (the Adiramyacin/Cytoxin cocktail). I've just finished 12 weeks of Taxol/Herceptin (that's 3 fucking months -- MONTHS, people), which were really starting to take it's toll on me. Besides feeling like I've had the flu that entire time, I've had other SE's (side effects) as well. Neuropathy in my fingertips, hair loss, nose bleeds, acne and other skin issues, hormonal changes (chemopause) that can wig me out without notice, hot/cold flashes -- those are just to name a few. But this next round... Sigh. I'm really trying to think positive on it because this is the treatment that, when they show the awful SE's of chemo in the movies, is what they portray and what everyone thinks of. My oncologist even told me that they used to give this type of chemo in-patient because patients got so sick. Think of non-stop barfing. Sounds like fun, huh?

Thank goodness times -- and medications -- have changed. I'm told there are some great drugs out there now to prevent chemo-induced sickness. I'll be given about 3 different types of those drugs before they pump me up with the chemo. Can I still end up getting sick? Sure. Will I? I have no idea. I'm hoping not. Most people I talk to now, who have had the pre-meds, haven't. Then there's the shot I have to go in for the day after because the AC makes your white blood count drop so quickly. The shot rebuilds the white blood cells inside your bone marrow. But as a side effect of that happening, your bones can hurt. Everywhere. The pain can range from not bad to debilitating. Again, I have no idea what to expect.

But going back to that text conversation I had with my SIL. She was asking if this round (the 4 bi-weekly treatments I'll have of AC) was my last, after of course, it kicks my ass. Fucking chemo, she said.

Fucking chemo, is right.

But as soon as I read that, it got me to thinking. The chemo is working. My tumors are shrinking. I can tell, and my oncologist has told me the same thing. So, in the end, thank goodness for chemo. There's nothing I like about it (okay, well maybe I like the fact that I don't have to shave my legs at all), but it's WORKING.

I have to keep repeating that over and over in my head. It's working.

I'm going to be freaked out on Monday when I start the AC. I've heard it's called The Red Devil, because it's a red fluid that comes in tubes and has the potential of making you feel like you're in a living hell. It's also hand-injected by the nurse, no IV pump taking care of this one. I'm sure there will be tears on my part (big shocker there, since so much makes me cry anymore), and a boatload of anxiety (thank heavens for Ativan). But, like everything else so far, I'm going to take a deep breath and do it. Did you hear that? I WILL DO IT. I simply have to.

On that note, wish me luck? Or maybe just toss a little good juju into the air on Monday around noon. I'll grab on to it with both hands and hold on tight, I promise. Afterwards, I'll let you all know how it goes...

17 comments:

  1. Okay, will be thinking of you. Hugs from afar and I know you will get through this with as much dignity and humor as you have with everything else. You amaze me!!

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    1. Thank you so much, Rebecca. Hugs right back to you!

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  2. *sob* I'm so sorry for your pain ... and I don't even know you. You're right though, it's working. Try to keep that in sight. It's working. Good luck, Kristin.

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    1. Aw, don't be sorry, Rosemary. I've told people that from the start -- just be pissed off at this disease with me!

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  3. Sending good juju always!!! I love this Blog and you!

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    1. And I'm sending some good juju right back to ya, babe! Hope things are going well. <3 ya!

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  4. You know all my juju goes to you these days. {{{{hug}}}} I'll be thinking of you. And of course you'll do it. Because it IS working. Which is so awesomely stupendous it makes me want to jump up and down in excitement. Sucks? Hell yeah. Fucking chemo. Fucking EFFECTIVE chemo. Thank God for all those brainiacs who go into medical research. Say hi to the hubs for me. Tell him I'm writing raunchy.

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    1. Right on the braniacs! How people figure out that bark from a tree will kill off cancer cells, I'll never know. But I <3 them. Way, way <3 them. And you, too. Now get back to writing that raunchy!

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  5. You've got all the luck, juju, love and prayers I can muster. You will beat this! And one day we'll beat cancer completely.

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    1. From your lips, Aileen! Thank you so much. Hugs, hugs and more hugs :)

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  6. That's right. YOU WILL DO IT. Because it is working. Yeah, it sucks to go through...but it will be worth it in the end. Because you're winning. You're beating this thing. Forget fucking chemo.

    It's fucking CANCER.

    Kick it's ass.

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  7. You'll kick this facking parasite to the curb and beyond! I just know you will. Half the battle won here is in your mind - if you're determined to kick its arse, you will!

    The Red Devil... Yep, I've had that one. You won't be able to enjoy that reddish-orange colour ever again, let me tell you that already! I had mine without the nausea drugs, and even so, it took 3 rounds of Cytoxin to start making me feel sick. Not to scare you, but the side effects last for a little more than a day, but when it leaves, it's as if you've flipped a switch off.

    I could eat dry rice when I was dealing with the aftermaths of Cytoxin chemo - try it, or even dry bread/toast. You'll make it through though, because you're strong and ready to kick its butt! XOXO

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    1. Zee, is it weird that DH and I were at the store today, and we needed to buy some liquid dishwashing detergent. He picked this red/orange colored one, and I couldn't help but think "I wonder if THAT's the color it'll be..." I also hear that I get to pee red for a few days. This just keeps getting better and better... LOL. Thanks for the hints -- hugs to you!

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    2. LOL! That's the exact colour! I cannot buy that colour dishwashing liquid anymore; for a few years I couldn't even look at that in the grocery store and not feel like barfing. :)

      And yup, you'll pee 'red' at least for that first morning pee the next day. I was totally freaked the first time I saw it, because no one had told me that would happen. And (gross, I know), but the first 24 hours after Cytoxin that you'll go to the loo, hold your breath and try not to smell anything in that loo! The smell of that drug is awful (at least, it was for me).

      And just rest. As long as I slept, I didn't feel any of the side effects. I would crash out for about 72 hours after a chemo session. Sleep is your biggest ally here. :)

      Sweetie, anytime you wanna talk, or have a question about the side effects, don't hesitate to ask. I so wish I could be helping you more, but anything I can offer, I will.

      Big huge hugs!!

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  8. I'm sending my usual ju-ju, Sweetie. Be strong. We all love you.

    LB

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  9. I started with the AC. And prayed for Taxol. Because of the shortage I couldn't get it. In all, I went on 4 different treatments which lasted over six months. I couldn't finish because the neuropahy was so bad and it can be permanent. The great thing about starting with AC...it shrunk the tumors. The bad thing...I was so sick I wanted to quit.

    The smell of the drugs inside me was so bad that my dog wouldn't come near me for months.

    I started this journey last May, had the surgery in January and just finished radiation last week. It's been difficult, but with Inflammatory Breast Cancer, I've done well. It's the Great White of the breast cancer species.

    Brit

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