I miss normal.
I miss feeling good.
I miss my hair.
I miss my taste buds.
I miss the energy I used to take for granted.
I miss the feeling in my fingertips.
I miss leaving the house without having to decide whether to wear a scarf or a wig on my head.
I miss my imagination.
I miss... God, there's so much more.
What it comes down to is that I simply miss me.
Yesterday and today kind of tossed a few of those things that I miss right back in my face. I visited with some great friends at this year's Romantic Time's convention (which is being held here in Chicago) -- then I came home and got really sad.
I didn't want to feel so worn out at my publisher's party last night. I didn't want to sit on the sidelines and watch everyone else out on the dance floor having fun. I didn't want to drink water instead of having a glass or two of wine. I didn't want to have to go to bed as early as I did.
Don't get me wrong -- I loved all the hugs. The gentle hands rubbing my back. I loved everyone telling me how good I looked, even though I hate that there is a reason they wanted to tell me that. I loved meeting those people in person that I've known for years only online. I loved seeing all the friends I've made at all the conventions I'd attended before. I loved the laughs I shared. All of that was so great.
It's just that I miss the old me. The girl who would do up her hair just-so before the party started. The girl who would've had at least one glass of red (and hell, probably more) before the night was over. The girl would would've been out on that dance floor shakin' her groove thang until the party was shut down, the girl who would've then moved on with the other party-goers to the bar or lobby to just sit and talk (and maybe have another drink).
I miss that girl, damn it. I miss the hell out of her.
I'm told she's still around, somewhere inside me. She may come out the other end of this cancer gig the same, and she may not. I don't know what to expect, and I'm not going to lie and say that doesn't freak me out a little.
Something new pops up for me every day, whether it be an emotion, a side effect or something else I have to struggle through. There is no normal for me right now. My old normal will never be again, and I get a little wiggy when I think too hard on what my new normal has in store for me. For now, though, I don't have any choice other than to take a deep breath and try to accept what I've been handed. A lot of the things I miss are temporarily gone, I understand that. My hair will fill in. My energy level will build up. My tasted buds and my wilted imagination will make a return appearance. I'm just hoping that the girl I miss, the old me, I just hope that she decides to comes back to me, too.